A story was told of a young man, Yoko (not his real name) who was so spirited he brought joy to everyone who encountered him. In his society, Yoko was known as an emblem of joy who exuded joy to the weary, angry, and discouraged. The story has it that this young man rarely got offended by ANYTHING; he could ignore offenses and insults, laughs at misfortunes, and willingly forgives the offenders at any slightest word of apology. The story has it that parents in the society often referred to this Yoko as an ideal child for all young people to emulate. Let us label this phase of his life as PHASE 1.
Yoko grew in maturity to the third floor in life (the third floor means being in his thirties, the fourth floor connotes one’s forties and the fifth floor one’s fifties and so on …), and got married. Fortunately for him, he married Zudunta (not her real name) whose reputation in character and God-loving precedes her introduction into society. Their wedding was the talk of town … I’m sure you understand why, yes? Let me lend my voice to the thoughts in your heart over the “Why?” Their wedding attracted people of timber and caliber in that society, or like my uncle, Samuel Adejoh, Esq will say, “people of iroko and mahogany were in attendance” and all roads of that community led to their wedding. The love this intending couple shared before their wedding painted the town red (read my article on Devoted Love to glean- www.ojdickson.org). As noted in phase 1 of their story, every young person dreamt of experiencing such love and affection in a relationship, and parents exemplified them to their children. At the instance of his wedding, the entire society unequivocally declared that these two love birds- Yoko and Zudunta have launched into their HAPPY EVER AFTER. Let us label this phase of his life as PHASE 2.
After some years of marriage, Yoko became the exact opposite of who he was in Phase 2 of his life. Surprisingly, he became a gloomy, doomy, and frustrated man who disappointed everyone who knew him in his earlier phases of life. He became a shadow of himself as he embittered all the relationships around him. To him, marriage had changed him into a bitter, frustrated man. Instead of the HAPPY EVER AFTER dream, it became a reality of HAPPY NEVER AFTER. Realities like this narrative invite my curiosity to ask, how does the dream of a HAPPY EVER AFTER become HAPPY NEVER AFTER? Have you seen people who were happier as singles than when they became married? Another probing question to ask is, why is it that for some couples, the longer they are married, the less happy they become? What could account for answers to these questions? Let us label this phase of his life as PHASE 3.
I claim ignorance for the precise answers to these questions in phase 3, however, it’s a living reality in some people’s lives. For some people, happiness enlisted them into the pain of HAPPY NEVER AFTER. For your knowledge, the experience of HAPPY NEVER AFTER is not God’s will for any marriage. God’s word reveals: Find a good spouse, you find a good life – and even more: the favor of GOD! (Prov. 18:22 MSG)
From God’s perspective, you are enlisted for a good life, not a miserable or embittered life when you find your spouse. This is the reason that a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife, and they become one flesh. (Gen. 2:24- CEB)
In God’s will, when the man intentionally embraces his wife, both will become one flesh.
In God’s will, when the man intentionally embraces his wife, both will become one flesh.
Gleaning from these two passages, it is obvious that marriage breeds good life and oneness for the couple. If these two essences of marriage are traceable to your life, you experience HAPPY EVER AFTER and not the HAPPY NEVER AFTER reality. Thus, HAPPY NEVER AFTER is not God’s plan for your marriage. Being happier as a single than when married is not God’s plan. Being happier in the early years of your marriage than now that you are much older is not God’s will for your marriage. I pray for you that your reality is about to change from HAPPY NEVER AFTER to HAPPY EVER AFTER in Jesus’ name! Your phase 3 will be more enriched and invigorated with joy than your phases 1 and 2 in Jesus’ name!!!
I invite you to a discussion. What causes HAPPY NEVER AFTER in marriages? Let’s interact in the comment section on the website. Please endeavor to share your (learned) story, experience, knowledge, suggestions, and solution(s).
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Yeah, 2 good people can still not be compatible for each other. I usually say, that she is good does not mean she is good for me and that I am good doesn’t mean I am good for her.
Totally agree
To me what causes “HAPPY NEVER AFTER ” is because there’s no oneness and inability to accommodate or tolerate each other’s weakness.
The young couple are still in the step of discovering one another’s characters, behaviours, likes and dislikes and if patience and endurance is not apply, the marriage leads to regrets and some eventually divorce. Man or woman will begin to say that is what they expect in their dream marriage, forgetting that marriage is the union of two imperfect people depending on God for help to live together in harmony to fullfil God’s plan for their live as a family.
Thank you very much Sir. This piece is quite thought provoking. It is sad that a loving relationship can turn sour. Most often, this happens when Biblical principles are not applied. Unconditional love as Christ loved the Church and submission in marriage surely set Christian marriages apart. However, when the world’s ways are copied either traditional or modern, there is bound to be ‘never happy after phase’ because they do not align with the scriptures. The Lord help us ????
Thank you very much my pastor for your assignments ,they truly give us reasons to look at these issues the ways we never did and also help build us up the more.
I think the usual phrase “familiarity breaths contempt” plays out with many people when they become close,they no longer respect the relationship or each other the way they use to.
Sometimes responsibilities increase and become problems that tends to over shadow them and they loose out of the real them.
I can relate with “HAPPY NEVER AFTER”. To avoid repetition, I support Gyuku’s comments. As you always say “be Intentional…”. I will also say that couples MUST be intentional to make their marriage work. With prayer and godly character garnished with both forgiving in humility, putting away selfishness, not take any party for granted. The story didn’t give us instances of disagreement, miscommunication, conduct & even their traditional believes. I only assume they were disappointed over some issues undisclosed/undiscussed before the marriage with the assumption that they were “too spiritual to have problems”.
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I would say that most times young people are in a haste to get Married, skipping some important aspects of relationship such as getting to fully know each other which is most likely part of the reason to a Happy Never Marriage.
Thank you so much MOG for such an inspiring write up. It’s an issue that alot of couples go thru, even among some Pastors in the ministry suffer such and they have no where to seek counsel. I think the reasons could varies depending on each couple. When you get into marriage for a wrong reason it’s likely to lead into an unhappy marriage when ur reasons are not met. When u have a spouse that doesnt want u to relate with others or even ur own family, or he/she think you’re both married so one begin to misbehave. It could lead to such.
Both love and submission must continue to grow daily by both party to maintain ur relationship no matter how good or Righteous you are.
Apt! The two wills become one flesh once married.
Thank you sir
The two will become one flesh once married. However, they must genuinely bring/seek Christ to lead & sustaine them in the marriage.
Failure to fan the love that brought you two together can bring about Happy never after. You must be intentional about showing your partner genuine love on a daily basis. For example calling her while you are in the office or out of the house is important. It makes her feel loved and appreciated.
Happy ever after is all we desire, but it won’t be possible without inviting God to be the Head of our homes, followed his directions. Husband should love unconditionally and total submission from d wife. God will help us.
Lack of sacrifice of
1- Will
2- Ego
3- Pride
4- Time
5- Right
Etc,
For me, if one is able to let go of the above mentioned, he or she finds peace and happiness within, then it will be easier to pass it on.
Well in everything we do, we have to put “God” first. Then know your partner’s ups and downs while dating, if it is the will of God for you guys to be together forever,
Make sure you are ready to overlook and put necessary things in order before embarking on this journey, because without the due process and seeking the face of God, you are likely to be NEVER Happy AFTER
Both partner’s must tolerate each other to have a Godly and happy home.
For every marriage to succeed or rather have a HAPPY EVER AFTER REALITY, the couple in such a marriage have to play their roles as expected of them. HAPPY EVER AFTER marriages are not solely made from heaven rather they are combination of heaven’s approval and stamping of the right effort couples put into their unions through the obedience of the instructions enshrined in the marriage manual by God Almighty; A man that will make submission easy for his wife by loving her, a wife that recognize the headship of her husband, a husband that recognizes the headship of Christ, obedient children plus none provoking parents. All these put together in their right perspectives makes a successful married lives. Let me conclude by paraphrasing what Rev. Stephen Bala said that “Marriages even between very serious Christians that are heavenly conscious like Yoko and Zudunta needs earthly maintenance to make it HAPPY EVER AFTER
Thanks for this brilliant piece. For me, I think, a happy never after is propelled when the momentum of what made a happy ever ideology is not maintained afterwards. Love at first must be intentional continued by both parties to ensure a possible happy ever experience.
Before and after marriage seek first the will of God in every thing you do and he shall direct and bless your path .
Thought it not easy ,I advise we seek parental and spiritual counseling in all that we do .
I think the problem is we mostly expect our spouses to be ‘perfect’, ‘ideal’ and possibly a ‘fix’ for our own deficiencies. My understanding of a ‘help mate’ is complementarity, made stronger with with time. I guess, married people need to moderate their expectations and see each other as ‘work-in-progress’ rather than ‘ready-to-drink’ substantances. Above all else, we must learn to love unconditionally.
Great story, I have come to realize that, the spouse God brought to one’s life doesn’t mean to say that, at any point in time, one will not have issues in marriage, but that the manner at which a spouse handle the situation makes a lot of difference. Everyone of us should always have an inward analysis of one’s self, it’s God business to fix ur spouse not your biz. Thanks my Bishop.
Compatability…if you’re not compatible it won’t work. No matter hard you try and the Compatability I speak of is from what God has set for the two entities. If He don’t want it, it ain’t gonna work
Quite an interesting scenario, Pst 1st and foremost my heart went to the teaching of Jesus Christ to His discipline when they noticed tares sprouting amongst the good seed.Jesus answered and said “the enemy hath done this ”
.Therefore their later days became as it’s bcos they allowed other things interfere with their initial love and cares, the consequences is what befall them.
Familiarity can be a factor that leads to a Happily Never after Marriage. When couples fail to put in efforts in maintaining respect, romance etc in day to day living
Happy never after! Brilliant and uplifting my reverend. Wonderful story, haven’t read a better storyline in probably a decade. I guess the devil’s agelong strategy is simple. Women mostly want love in a relationship whilst men want respect. Therefore weaken the men sociopolitically and empower the women socioeconomically. Tis upto us(the church) to empower our young men and matchmake the young damsels to the knights in shining armour we have mentored. Otherwise the devil would give the youngsters(spiritual youngsters, not necessarily about physical age) develish options. Then back to square one
David while I agree with the first half of your comment i strongly disagree with your conclusion.
Instead of trying to force people to follow the old culture we need strong Christian men and woman role models that show how to live Godly lives in this new cultural context.
In my view one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship is effective communication between both parties. If each party can put aside their pride and truly hear the other while putting God at the forefront I think the vast majority of issues would be easily resolved.
Unfortunately effective communication is in short supply and the current use of technology doesn’t exactly make it easier to learn.
Grace to you
Thank you for the write up Sir. For me, ‘a marriage becomes happy never after’ when the couple involved people married for the very wrong reasons; flashing beauty, riches of either of the parties or status of their parents, tribal affiliation, pretence etc. The choice of marriage first lies on the man; ‘he who finds a wife’ the art of ‘finding’for a christian these days is not an easy task infact it has never been easy even in the past. But the stakes are higher today. Parents and relations interfer in the search so in the end when reality sets. Parents and relations and even friends want to interfere, hence the happy never after’. Intending christian couples should be very intentional about their choices. Is it truly from God? The young man’s zeal and disposition in your story suddenly became a mirage with the wife he chose rather than the wife he should have found . ‘A happy ever after’ in marriage is a product of sticking to the manufacturer and his manual:God and the Bible. With God, all things are possible despite the challenges that are inevitable.
Hmm. The fact is that the reality met them face to face. The two have to be INTENTIONAL about their marital status. I mean the duo must be devoid of SELF and TRADITION one party can not make it work for it takes two to marry and it takes two to tangle. They should be committed to their marriage under God then it will be happy ever after. More grace sir.
Maybe unrealistic expectations were set and marriage being a reality opened them up and they could not come to terms with it.
For marriage to be happy ever after depends on both parties, they have to be intentional about their relationship, forgiveness, stop making reference to past issues, intentionally appreciating each other efforts and we wish to present each other in heaven on the last day.
Thanks ????
Your book “Earthly Maintenance for Marriage” posed alot of very key information about marriage. The interesting part is since marriage as an institution is a lifetime decision, the expectation of what most people want from marriage gets lowerd in the balance, as compared to the effort they put in. However, I feel the gloomy, saddened state comes from the frustration of not being able to achieve as much as he/she had expected being married. my very short opinion though!
I like how God’s will is perfect and good for us, as seen in this powerful write-up. As Rev. O J. says, we must be intentional about our actions. This will bring about the realities we seek.
Hmmm.. quite interesting Sir,may the almighty God bless you and increase u
1. Marriage is Almighty God’s idea
If you choose to relate outside of God’s purpose and plan for your life and marriage you will be unhappy in your marriage
2.Marriage introduces into your life accountability,submission to one another and sacrifices
This are hard issues to either give up or discuss as it bothers on ego, authority and Leadership
First of all consider your self as imperfect man before God and man, that means remove self.
2, learn to know the temperament of your spouse, does it last when she gets angry?, how do you react when she gets angry. I have been married for 20 years, and it’s fund when she gets angry because I turned it to joke, mama this anger is show of Love and you remained my wife, be the husband friend and learn to forgive before the offence, we must make room for such circumstances. Love binds us together as husband and wife, your realisation to know she is the weak one helps you to stay committed. when I told my father I want to get married he told go and come back the next two months, I didn’t know he wants to know if am really matured for marriage, on and on, key things. you must accept her at all costs, inadequacies will come and therefore with Grace of God I have enjoyed my marriage, not that they are no challenge but Grace accept one another’s fault in humility. praise God
Very I instructive Sir!
One of the basic things I see to be the cause of ‘HAPPY NEVER AFTER’ in marriage is the ‘LOVE IS BLIND MENTALITY!’. Because, obvious unacceptable and intolerable things that should be discussed, delt with, agreed etc while courting will be over-looked that “love is blind”. When such things begin to replay themselves in marriage, and they cannot be handled, the the couple become frustrated, and continue to live in pains and regret. Thank you
Quite enlightening. Thank you, Sir. Things that could cause a Happy-never-after experience could come from individuals, family stress, children or societal pressures. Inlaws’ burdens and/or interference is another area worth looking into.
Sir I held to your council on my marriage. But my wife went to court to divorce me and the marriage was dissolve even after we were married in church. With two children.
A good read, lessons glaring and noted! Thank you sir.
Two grown adults from different backgrounds coming together to do life could be really challenging. Different cultures, upbringing, different personalities etc can cause friction between couples in marriage. For a marriage to work, they must both be deliberate about making their marriage work, depending solely on the guidance and principle laid down by God who instituted marriage.
There is more to marriage than just coming together. The two shall be comes one is achieveble when you accept each other without any condition. Too much expectations by one partner leads to great pains, disappointment. Frustration and so on when the expectations are not met. Couple must be realistic in their goals and understand that as humans, we have our ups and low points. These are met to compliment the gaps of the other spouse. No spouse has it all. Accepting each other by working on each other strength and weakness joyful without any form of insults or blame game, as you pray together, your happy ever after is certain.Love wins.
Loving ones spouse will cause you to overlook a lot for the love of God, being patient & taking all the inconveniences you experience at the beginning of your marriage to God.”Proverbs 19:11. Not feeling too wise in your own eyes “Proverbs 3:7a” , sacrificing I.e letting go even when you are right. The determination to put your spouse before anyone through the grace of God is a tool, but God being the number one.
Talk together, do not let your phone take your time together, stay away from the social media talks about marriage.
The more we seek the grace to sacrifice & determined to love unconditionally, it will be sweet & easy, and even sweeter as we age (we become like brothers & sisters)
A very interesting and informative article.
When we are joined in marriage with high expectations which eventually are not met, the flames of love begins to diminish.
Most often, instead of retracing their steps into communicating and understanding with each other, revenge and pains begins to set in.
Marriage should be a lifetime experience of joy and happiness
I think children generally should be groomed for what lies ahead by our conduct and way of life because what is happening is similitude to what transpires in the home, at every stage/phase of life human beings need assistance
Pressures of life and responsibilities can create depression and frustrations which may further affect relationships as couples grow older.
May the Lord increase you sir.
There is need we trust in the Lord with whole of our heart, lean on Him alone and He will surely direct us to the right partner that can lead to “Happy Ever After”.
Marriage is like a football team playing in the game. It is not over until it is over. The ability of the team (Wife and and husband) to be focused on the aim of the game is paramount. There could be distractions from within (those highlighted factors by one brother in his commentary, ego etc); and remember the opponent (the devil coming to kill and destroy) is always there. It takes collaborative effort to continue the game and win. The striker should not say he is better than the goal keeper and vice versa. The team should learn to blend and communicate (both verbal and non verbal communication). There could be injuries, sprains and even bruises but it will still be Happy EVER after.
What an insightful message. However, to someone like me who’s searching for a soul mate, there’s a need for the writer to outline the possible causes of “Happy Never After” so as to take away my fears on relationship and marriage. To also give me hope and reason that to be “Happy Ever After” is still possible in our present Christian Marriages.
Thank you Sir, I pray for more grace, wisdom and resources to write more in other to educate us for better tomorrow and heaven at last.
Sir happy never after is caused by either one is not a child of God or both are not. Or if both are christians but not applying God’s principles in marriage. When God’s purpose for marriage is not known, abuse is inevitable. If I am not in tune with the maker of marriage (God), I can never enjoy His product(marriage). You can’t study the manual (God’s word) and obey it and not enjoy the product (marriage). All the happy ever after are as a result of death to self or self denial and obedience to God. Even to be a Christian Jesus says we must deny ourselves. SELF is the cause. Self no dey obey God.
Different people exhibit different traits at different times. A jolly good fellow might be something else. This might have been Yoko’s problem
Also, marriage change people because of the new experience. Whatever the case, it is responsibility of individuals to make their experience happy ever after.
This article got me thinking a lot of things…One the cause i know it’s high expectations.. you want your spouse to change overnight to the kind of person you think is best for you forgetting that you choose that same imperfect person.
Thank you sir for a well written piece.
God made man simple. Man’s complex problems are of his own devising.Ecc.7:29 because, he is living in a world of illusion
Romans:12:1-8 warns.
With God all things are possible even, ( Happy ever after).
Only man and woman, who is linked to Jesus, the source of life and joy, can instill freshness in his or her marriage even after their beginning (Happy ever and after). Going beyond just being born again to be doers of His word is very crucial. His counsel must be adhered to.But if, He is ignored,trouble looms..May we not ignore His counsel over our marriages.
Thank you sir for the article.
I would say that the causes of the Happy never after in marriages are
*Lack of communication
*Misunderstanding
*Lack of intentionality
*There’s little or no intimacy
*Involvement of third party into marriages etc.
Thank you so much sir for the article given.
The causes of Happy never after in the marriages are:
(1) they are not really born again Christian.
(2) there is no intimacy
(3) Lack of good communication
(4) they involve third parties inside ie In-laws
(5) lack of good friends to give them good advice.etc
Thank you so much sir for the article given.
The causes of Happy never after in the marriages are:
(1) they are not really born again Christian.
(2) there is no intimacy
(3) Lack of good communication
(4) they involve third parties inside ie In-laws
(5) lack of good friends to give them good advice.etc
Thank you for this thought-provoking piece.
What causes happy never after in marriage is faulty foundation i.e the process of the relationship from inception is mostly likely marred with pretense, deception and unrealistic expectations .
When one’s ideals of a home are not being realised and lived out , chances are , the party maybe disappointed or frustrated given the fact that the foundation is built on lies , competition and propensity to impress.
Another cause is inability to subject matrimonial home to the Lordship of Christ. If Christ is not allowed to be in charge of a home , the devil will remote control the home thereby leading to ceaseless conflict and happy never after in marriage.
My submission..
I could say that “Love” is a thing of pursuing than conquering. A lot of times the man is guilty of wooing a lady till he wins her love then he stops pursuing with the sense that he or she has conquered this persons heart and there is no need to put in effort to make it blossom.
Not having other factors surrounding this couple one can say it takes two to make it HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
These their names sha…lol
When I hear people saying that it is not possible to be happy ever after being married for long,I simply understand that they are either sharing their experiences indirectly or simply airing their view. Tim Lahaye talks on how to be Happy though married and I believe it is possible to be married ever after, moreso, with God all things are possible
Marriage is a divine institution, it takes divine guidance to walk into it and succeed
I think it’s has everything to with our personal expectations and views before the marriage, many at times we idolize other people view to point where you don’t even communicate to our partners enough to understand ourselves, and so keep expecting our thoughts to manifest without our partner’s knowing
Hummm! Nice piece sir. Thank you for bringing such a piece at this time. More increase. For me, what brings about “Happy Never After” in marriage is numerous. Many marriages are falling apart because God wasn’t the centre of that marriage. For sure, there are various challenges faced in marriage from both the man and the woman, ranging from infidelity, even though some couples find a way to bounce back after an affair, others hit the rocks. Others are sexual incompatibility, money matters, lack of respect from either the wife or the husband or from both parties, lack of honour, domestic violence, high expectations, etc.
Even in the Christian homes, the challenges faced, it takes the grace, mercy and fear of God to keep kool and allow God to take over. The devil is roaring like a lion looking for whom to devour so if God is not the centre of our homes we will be a prey for the devil.
May the Lord have mercy on us.
Thanks so much sir for the lesson pointed out through Yoko’s story. Thank you too for your prayers and encouragement towards having a great time in marriage. This is always a timely lesson that would keep me through time. I pray for God’s blessings.
While “happy ever after” is an illusion because the pursuit of happiness cannot be a sustainable goal in this life with its vicissitudes, “happy never after” is not an option that anyone envisions. I think (I can only think at this time) that marriage is more about sacrifice than love, especially if this love is basically eros. But with agape and the idea of contributing to the flourishing of humanity as a whole in mind, the squeeze in marriage may be worth the juice after all. But to be sure, not he kind of bitter juice that Yoko got.